For parents navigating the often-turbulent waters of the preteen and early teenage years, a recent conversation offers an illuminating piece of wisdom. A mother, having successfully raised five children with her youngest recently off to college, shared profound insights gleaned from years of firsthand experience. She had truly "seen it all."

During their discussion, a parent recounted the significant struggles their own children were encountering in middle school: the relentless social pressures, pervasive s3xual innuendo, instances of b:u:IIy!ng, and early exposure to discussions about dr:u:g$, alc0h0l, and group texts spiraling out of control. Desperate for guidance, the parent asked how she had managed to discuss such sensitive topics with her own children, especially when they acted embarrassed or resistant to opening up.

The Profound Truth: Your Child Knows More

The seasoned mother's response was simple yet profound: "Whatever you think your kid knows about a topic, add 20%."

Initially met with a puzzled "What?", she elaborated, explaining a common parental misconception. "We all think our kids are naïve. We all think our kids haven't been exposed to certain things. We all think that when we talk to our kids about something, they tell us the truth. But they don't. In fact, they can't. I mean, who really wants to talk about this stuff with their Mom? So, whatever you think they know about a topic, assume they know 20 percent more, and start there."

Her words resonated deeply. Whether parents want to admit it or not, children today are exposed to an overwhelming amount of information through their peers and digital channels – far more than adults can often grasp. They are constantly piecing together fragmented bits of information, forming their own interpretations. For instance, while they may not have a complete understanding of s3x, they might certainly have an idea of what '69' refers to, simply because other kids giggle when that number is mentioned. They might not yet share their personal feelings or crushes, but that doesn't negate their existence. And even if they understand the dangers of traditional smoking, it doesn't mean they haven't encountered the latest e-cigarette. Similarly, a strict no-swearing policy at home doesn't preclude a child from experimenting with colorful language when out in the world.

The Imperative of Open Dialogue: Demystify and Discuss

The 'Add 20%' rule underscores a vital truth: parents cannot afford to assume their children are naïve or that they don't understand these complex realities. Crucially, they cannot shy away from important conversations simply because they believe their children aren't "ready." The responsibility lies in being present with tweens and teens at every opportunity they are present with their parents. This means engaging actively: asking about the books they're reading, consistently inquiring about school, inviting their friends into the home to foster familiar connections, and, most importantly, continuously talking.

Extensive research on reducing risky behavior in teenagers consistently points to one indispensable factor: the presence of adults who have regular, open conversations with them about these behaviors. This involves demystifying s3x, offering honest insights about dr:u:g$ and alc0h0l, discussing the legal implications of s3xting, and exploring how to cultivate healthy romantic relationships. It means learning about the evolving dangers of v@p!ng and other emerging trends.

Parents are encouraged to share their own views, but equally vital is an openness to hear their children's perspectives. Discussing lifelong implications is crucial, but this should be balanced with providing insight into past mistakes and their impact, rather than threatening immediate recourse for every misstep. The core of the 'Add 20%' rule is to stretch parental comfort zones: discuss topics 20 percent more candidly than feels natural, because that is likely the reality your child is already aware of.

It's acknowledged that these conversations won't always be easy, but as the original insight suggests, that's precisely when the most profound connections and learning happen. Your kids truly do know twenty percent more than you think. And for those who doubt, the invitation stands: explore these topics, and be prepared for surprising revelations. While every parent longs to preserve their child's innocence, the diverse parenting approaches of the modern world make this increasingly challenging, especially during the middle school years.

Ultimately, parents face a clear choice: either initiate these crucial conversations, or allow their children to learn about these complex realities solely from their peers. The decision of what information a child ingests rests with the parent. By starting the conversation and then adding that crucial twenty percent, parents can gain something far more valuable in return: a deeper bond, stronger trust, and a true understanding of their evolving children.

This is a repost from Whitney Fleming Writes.